You walk along the deserted tracks
Step by step,
Breath by breath
The crackling of gravel under your shoes.
The clanking of each metal bar.
A pattern,
Never yielding to change.
Never ending.
A breeze slithers through your lifeless fingers
Almost damp,
Like water running downstream.
A gentle fog approaches,
But you keep walking.
Even when the moon is stripped of light
And the stars blurred out;
You continue.
You hear a sound
At first faintly;
A mere whisper in your ear.
Then louder,
A distant chant;
Bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum-bum,
The fog soon turns to steam
And you lift your wrist,
12:58, the watch reads.
But you keep walking
The chant raises pitch,
Louder.
Louder.
Dust kicks up,
Smoke rolls by.
The stench of burning wood
Then lights,
Blazing a hole through the crisp wall of fog.
The noise screeches its call through the night,
Shattering its alluring serenity.
Leaving nothing but fear.
Fear embodied by a great steel bullet
Fired straight from the start of that endless track
From that one-way road to hell.
Breath escapes your craving body,
Slipping passed those chapped, dry lips
Never to return.
You see the fire spouting from its steel façade
The fiery arms of lost souls
Forever cursed to damnation
Within the belly of the iron beast;
The broken ranks,
Of which your soul is soon to join.
But then the hell-bound creature slows,
Then stops gently,
Quelling its malicious rampage.
Quenching its fire and its smoke.
One last wave of steam washes by.
Taking the unearthly locomotive with it.
You look down at your watch.
1:00
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey JC,
first off- peanut's suggestions were intelligent. I agree with them.
Secondly, woah. As far as your brand of narratives go, you've made a great jump in quality. This poem had something about it that was unique. I would say that you might have found something that will become a foundational part of your poetry if you continue.
Thirdly, after my first reading I was quite impressed because I got a little feeling in my tummy. Okay, it was little, but it was a feeling. And I wasn't hungry or anything. You did a perfect displacement into another world for the reader. The mindlessness of a soldier in a battlefield is what struck me hardest. At least that was the effect. The tank took on proportions that were much larger than videos on History Channel. I did feel as if I was under attack, for a moment. But I've long since understood that I might be completely blind and might have mixed everything up.
Okay, frankly, I'm not too concerned about grammar unless it's altering the meaning and effect, but it's good manners, you know. You're missing commas and colons all over the place. See if this doesn't help--
http://www.cloudnet.com/~edrbsass/edrules.htm
It's really nothing tough, or something you have to bother yourself about endlessly either.
Well, good job. But can always do better. Keep posting and thanks for the read,
The Plant.
I would get rid of the 'then' at the beginning of that sentence
I would ease up on the periods in this; you could use some semi- colons, commas, ect.
Due to the style you have been writing in, I would change this sentence to something like;
You hear a sound,
and then just go onto the next line.
Like I said before, ease up on the periods; I think there are a little too many, and they interrupt the flow of the poem.
I would consider getting rid of this. Either that, or, I would change it to something like this;
The last steam wave washes by,
and then it has gone.
See the differences?
Great ending! It left me with a sense of "Phew, that was close. All's good now!" ... I love that feeling after a suspenseful poem
Great job! I think you rambled a little, somewhere in there, but other than the minor mistakes pointed out, you did an absolutely awesome job!